


Second Time Around

by ribonhwa



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:46:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ribonhwa/pseuds/ribonhwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's always harder the second time around, especially if you don't feel like you deserve the forgiveness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Time Around

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little bit on the wild side, I suppose; it is my take on why Yune quit the band. Very dramatic, but we know Ruki is, right?  
> Happy ending guaranteed !  
> Please, enjoy !

Because this time he knew he screwed up too bad for things to be OK, he was scared to go home. He'd walked out on the streets of Tokyo all evening, until nightfall and despite that he thought rain would have suited the situation well (and in all honesty he'd have deserved to be soaking wet and freezing in the chilly autumn air), the dark sky was clear. He could even make out a few stars in the sky even with all the street lights on.

It felt safe for him to focus on such small details, like how his white shoes were quite uncomfortable (but they were mainly bought for preforming, not walking for miles and miles again), and how dirty he had got them, how it wasn't raining, how the moon was almost full. All because he did not want to focus on the feeling of guilt in his chest, caused by his betrayal to the one he held so dear. Because he did not want to remember how the dark eyes of Takanori had turned to look at him with shock and confusion at first, wanting him to deny everything, to tell him it wasn't all true. And when he hadn't been able to do that those eyes had turned cold, had looked at him with such disappointment, where they had used to look at him with adoration and affection.

But Akira knew he had to go home soon. Kouyou would not offer him a place to stay after how he'd messed up this time, and he did not feel safe joining Yuu, because Yune might or might not be there with his long time friend (and the last thing he wanted at the moment was to see Yune, even less than going home and facing Takanori). Not that Yuu was someone he'd feel comfortable with even if Yune wasn't there. So despite not really wanting to, he turned his direction to head home towards the street he and Takanori lived on slowing down his steps considerably trying to buy time, to think of anything to say, anything at all, to make things OK.

That day Akira really hated their front door, the way it creaked and warned Takanori that he was home. He winced at how loud his steps sounded in their entry hall, the whole apartment being deadly silent, even the two small steps he took with his shoes on sounded like bombs falling in his ears. Usually at this point Takanori would have come to greet him, with affectionate eyes and a small smile, even if the other was complaining about his own day. Not this time. And Akira was not sure if he was relieved or not by the fact that Takanori wasn't coming screaming at him.

Moving across the floor in his socks was more silent, but even so he felt like his steps sounded too loudly. He was almost sure Takanori wouldn't be in the kitchen so he made his way there and didn't turn on the lights letting the yellow street light from the windows be the only illumination on his way to the refrigerator. He opened the door and grabbed a bottle of beer from the door. It didn't even feel cold against his fingers as his hands were freezing.

"You have some nerve you know..."

The words were spoken from the doorway to the small kitchen, in a voice that sounded cold, controlled yet still so full of emotion that it made Akira hold his breath. He couldn't make himself to turn around and face Takanori, so he only closed the door to the refrigerator and tightened his grip on the beer bottle.

"…to come back here, and drink beer out of my fridge", Takanori continued in the same controlled voice. "After what you did."

Akira was a coward by nature, and everything in him wanted nothing more then to run away at that exact moment. Still he stayed and kept his eyes downcast as he turned to lean agains the kitchen counter, not being able to look Takanori in the eyes - he felt too ashamed, was too guilt ridden to do that - but saw the other looking directly at him from he corner of his eye. Matsumoto Takanori had never been a coward, had never ran away from confrontation, they were the opposite like this. While Akira did stay in the small, dark, dirty kitchen with his beer bottle in his hand, he couldn't get his mouth to say anything, he didn't have the courage to move and his wildly beating heart was distracting him from trying to figure out how to handle this - because evolution of the human species was stupid int the current world and making adrenaline flow through his body to get him ready to flee from danger. He'd rather have the right words pop into his head instead, but it proved impossible.

"Don't you have anything to say?" Takanori asked and Akira heard how the controlled voice turned less controlled and more emotional - it sounded tired and confused, like the other had spent hours thinking over the questions which Akira himself even couldn't answer. 

"Sorry sounds a little too lame in a situation like this", Akira said in a muffled voice, which almost broke before he could get the sentence out - and he wasn't sure if he should be wishing it had, because Takanori's reply was instant:

"That's all you can think of to say? That's not even a sorry."

"That's because sorry wouldn't make you feel better", Akira said and watched the bottle in his hand intently still avoiding to look at Takanori, who hadn't moved from his place by the doorway. It was an abnormal distance between them really, but considering what had happened Akira would have preferred that it was a lot longer.

"How do you know that?" Takanori said all control lost from his low voice, which was edged with the raw emotions of both anger and hurt. "What do you think will make me feel better then?"

"I don't know", Akira muttered in a quiet voice as his rapidly beating heart was still making it hard for him to speak. But truthfully he had no idea how to say anything which would make the situation better. 

He could hear Takanori taking footsteps into the kitchen, and despite how confident and strong the younger man was, they were hesitant disguised as angry - or maybe they were a mix of both.

"So you don't have anything to say about this?" he asked while taking his steps trying to keep his voice controlled again, but letting some of his youthful insecurity be heard - Takanori acted very confident, a lot more confident than Akira, though he was only 22 at the time and had that insecurity in him. He stopped before he reached Akira, hopping onto the kitchen table which was across from the kitchen counter.

Because Akira was a coward and because he had a hard time forgiving himself for what he had done, he shock his head no. 

"Oh", Takanori said in a voice which sounded more angry than he had the whole conversation - Akira was almost sure it was his lack of emotional reaction, or reaction at all that was getting under the other's skin. Because where Takanori was fierce, and overflowing with emotions at times, Akira liked to keep it all inside - most of all in situations like these, where he was corned and forced to deal with something he clearly wasn't ready to deal with. 

"OK, maybe you can answer me this then. How was he?"

Akira flinched at the tone that was taken, surprised by the turn of conversation - though it was not the first time Takanori pushed him to express his feelings, the other times more pleasant than this one though. He placed his beer on the counter craving it a lot less than to begin with. "Taka, no", he said with a small plead in his voice, not having the words to go through the conversation and most definitely not wanting to remember what he'd done with Yune at all as he tried his best to forget and erase the experience to begin with.

"No, come on, tell me", Takanori insisted and dropped down from the table calmly and walked over to Akira with a few steps, which were no longer hesitant at all. He stood in front of Akira and placed one hand on the counter cutting off Akira's possibility to run - as if Akira would ever dare run, as if he had the strength to and as if he hadn't felt trapped enough as it was. He tried to keep still, and noticed how his fist were clenched on either side of him, and all his muscles tensed.

"Did he touch you here?" Takanori asked in a low voice and Akira saw his hand go straight for his crotch, but he grabbed Takanori's wrist before it found it's destination. He turned his eyes up and held Takanori's glare, which was surprised at first, but then looked at him expectantly.

"Don't", Akira said his tone firm, slightly shaking and his voice low. He slowly lifted Takanori's hand higher and was almost surprised by the lack of resistance, but he was not about to push the matter and let go of the other to let his own arms drop to his sides along with his eyes which he had dared to lift for a moment.

The silence that followed felt heavy with the unasked questions from Takanori and with the words that Akira couldn't find, which he felt he wouldn't find even if he was given 10 years to think about them. He could feel Takanori's eyes on him, he'd always been able to do that, but it felt worse now, because now he didn't know how to hide, how to look good in Takanori's eyes. Those eyes would never look at him the same.

"So, he can touch you, and I can't, that's it?"

Takanori sounded angry, but the underlying insecurity was clear to Akira's ears. The other really wanted to know, if Akira switched him for another, wanted to know it wasn't so, wanted to start over. It was a lot like all the things Akira wanted to do too, but then again it wasn't at all - because he did not deserve this.

"No", he answered and lifted his hand to Takanori's shoulder, not stoking or pushing, merely keeping it there to confirm his words. "That's not it", he said and lifted his eyes to look at Takanori, willing the other to understand what he meant.

"Akira, you know that's not what I mean", Takanori said in a much more painful voice, a sincere one this time, and it was the younger one's turn to let his eyes fall to the floor. The anger seemed to have calmed down, the fire died out, only to leave the ashes of hurt and worst of all fear, which Akira recognized all too easy. Takanori gripped a handful of Akira's shirt by the hem, not pulling it up, but holding on, because that seemed like the only thing he could do at the moment.

"I want to be able to touch you like I used to."

The words were sincere, so brutally honest, like spoken by a child, with a longing that made Akira shiver. He slid the hand on Takanori's shoulder down the other's arm to the hand that was a little smaller than his, had short fingers and rough skin like his own. He grabbed hold of that hand and felt Takanori hold on to his hand as well. He saw Takanori lift his bloodshot eyes and look at him with hope in them. And he had to use all the will power in himself to not give into the other.

"I don't think it's a very good idea", he said in a quiet voice, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible and trying to sound calm.

Calm wasn't what happened after that statement though as Takanori shoved his hand away from his own and ripped at Akira's shirt before pulling away from the other completely and walking across their kitchen to slam his small fists into the kitchen table.

"Why?! Why him?!"

By this time Takanori was screaming with that beautiful voice of his, because he couldn't let out the pain of the rejection in any other way. And Akira looked on as the other let out his pain, not knowing what to, but wanting nothing more than to end it.

"Answer me!" Takanori demanded and turned to look at Akira with tears in his eyes.

Akira merely shook his head no. No, he had no answer; no, he didn't choose Yune; no, couldn't do this, he didn't have the strength that Takanori did. The gesture earned a small groan of frustration from Takanori, before silence filled the room.

The breaths Takanori took were shaky, the breaths Akira took were silent and held in as long as possible. All the sounds from the street below could be heard, the cars and some passerby talking on his phone.

"Please."

The word was a bit shaky, a bit slurred, and filled with need. Akira looked at Takanori, who had spoken the word with what he hoped to be honest and steady eyes.

"Takanori, I can't…"

The sentence was left unfinished because he didn't know how to explain this. He couldn't climb up form the the dark pit of emotions he has fallen into, he couldn't even with Takanori's help.

"I don't understand this." The words were quiet, still shaky and very astonished, sounding truly amazed. Takanori's eyes also looked at Akira with a look of clear surprise. "You cheated on me, and I'm the one begging for you to stay. That's messed up."

Akira wasn't sure what to say, he stayed in the same position against the counter with tensed muscles and his mind still seising to work properly. "It's not… I do feel bad about this", he mumbled out, because he had to say something. And everything else would have sounded just as lame as this sentence, he would have regretted everything else just as much as he regretted saying this out loud.

"You don't sound like you are." The voice sounded bitter and the eyes that looked at him looked at him in disbelief, and Akira couldn't blame Takanori for not believing him; he hadn't exactly expressed his regret, his deep remorse for his actions clearly, or at all for that matter.

"I better go", Akira decided by then. He had no strength nor words to prove he was sorry. He took quick, long steps out from the kitchen and sought out their bedroom - he knew the way from memory, without any lights or guidance, it was familiar, he'd lived there long enough to remember.

He busied himself trying to find a backpack from their closet in the dark, and heard the footsteps coming from the kitchen after him. He tried to ignore the sound, and didn't react when they stopped somewhere behind him - by the doorway to the bedroom from what he could tell. He felt pressured at his task, and he could feel his hands shaking as he pulled a big bag out of the closet.

"Where are you going?"

The question sounded both demanding and a little shy, a little careful, Takanori's deep voice even once again - he was roller-coasting with holding his emotions in and letting them spill over and be heard(doing both in the hopes of making the other stay it seemed, but neither seemed to work). Akira didn't want to turn around to face the other and busied himself with pulling some clothes out of his closet, putting them in the bag in total disorder.

"Kouyou's, I think", Akira answered as evenly as he could and despite how his hands were shaking he got his voice to sound rather steady. He took a shirt from his closet as if to wonder if he was taking it with him or not, standing up straight and stroking the soft fabric with his thumbs to calm himself down - he also had no idea how to get past Takanori, who was standing in the doorway, because despite his sudden strong will to do what was right, the temptation of wrapping his arms around the young man he loved and beg for forgiveness was starting to rise up in him. It would be the wrong thing to do, because he did not deserve a second chance.

"OK", Takanori mumbled the word and saw him look down at their bedroom floor from the corner of his eye. It gave him the courage to look at the other, though he was fairly sure he shouldn't be doing that. The shirt in his hands was balled up as he clutched it hard in his fists without realizing it, because despite Takanori having been fighting for him to stay longer than anyone else he knew would have done if their situation had been the same - more than Akira was sure he would have done if Takanori wanted to leave, because he would not have the strength to deal with something that seemed so much like rejection - it hurt to see the other give in, to give up on him. Letting go of the only tie that was keeping them together at that moment, the one Akira suddenly realized he wasn't ready to let go off, was something that must have as painful to Takanori as it was to him.

"Well, get moving then, Akira!"

Takanori's angry voice made him flinch and drop the shirt from his hands. The intense stare directed at him was full of anger and an underlying hurt, but Akira couldn't look away. He nodded his head and picked up his bag from the floor to get out. His steps were careful and slow as he walked to the door and into the hallway, because he felt afraid of moving too fast.

"Obviously you slept with him, so you could get rid of me."

The words sounded cold and convicting, and the deep voice spoke with no hesitation at all, this was the final conclusion Takanori had come to. There was a daring for Akira to disagree, and he was almost sure Takanori wanted him too, because the other had always liked to push him. And by that time he couldn't hold it in anymore.

"That's not true", he spoke in a steady voice and turned to face Takanori and looked him straight in those blaming eyes. Neither turned away, and those eyes looked at him patiently, waiting for him to go on. "There's nothing I can do to take back what I did, but that does not mean I don't regret it, or that I want to get rid of you", he mumbled out, words a bit shaky, as he felt trapped and unsafe again.

"But you don't want to stay with me here." Takanori's words were still mercilessly cold and emotionless, blaming to their very core.

"I do, but I don't deserve to, do I?" he answered for the first time in a more fierce voice. He could feel the change in Takanori immediately, the change in how the other looked at him, with eyes wide with a realization of how Akira's mind had worked this situation out.

And Akira knew he had lost by now, this would not end like he thought it would, he would not be walking out of Takanori's life like he betrayer he was. The small, warm feel of relief in him at this turn of events filled him, and made him feel a little guilty at being that selfish.

Takanori was already standing in front of him and had guided the bag from his hands to the ground to take a hold of them both with his own. Akira was looking down at the floor and soon closed his eyes as he felt Takanori's full lips press to his thinner ones in a kiss. It wasn't pressed hard, like when he'd teased Takanori enough to make him a little pissed and mad, nor was it light like when they kissed in the mornings clumsily from sleep, it was just reassuring and firm.

Akira was falling into the rhythm of the kisses as they continued, and tilted his head to the side as they grew deeper. They hands unlocked and he grabbed a hold on the back of Takanori's shirt in the back. The sigh he let out was one of relief, one of contentment, since he felt so safe again with Takanori. It felt like all his horrible deeds had been wiped away for that moment, like things were just like they used to be, like he wasn't guilty at all.

Takanori had his hands underneath Akira's shirt, stroking the other's back, softly and firmly pushing the other closer. Those fingers had always been skillful and Akira couldn't help give into touches that were so gentle and controlling at the same time. As they got lower and lower, he knew there wouldn't be any going back anymore, he waited with a held breath as those hands grabbed hold of his hips. The kisses had stopped as Takanori grounded his hips against the other one's letting out a low moan at the friction, Akira just letting his held breath finally out.

He felt emotionally too drained to be able to resist anything anymore, and he was only a man after all, so after some grinding and grounding, and Takanori sucking on the junction of his neck and shoulder, Akira was a hot mess under the other's hands. And those hands were undoing his jeans, guiding them down with the boxers, and he obliged to kicking them off completely leaving them on the floor of the hallway. Still those hands continued to play around on his lower stomach, teasing the tensed muscles - it felt tingling, almost like a ticklish feeling, but it felt so good, so close, but not close enough.

Akira's own hands were clenching Takanori's lose T-shirt's by the collar as he panted, he felt too distracted by Takanori's hands to do much at all and was trying to gather his senses together. Once he regained enough sense, he guided Takanori's head up to plant a desperate kiss on the other's full lips. He got a full on respond as the other deepened the kiss, tongue licking at Akira's thin lips and a small, gentle, playful bite on the lower lip. They broke apart as Akira proceeded to pull up Takanori's shirt. With the shirt off, he slowly traced his fingers down Takanori's chest leaving the other as much of a panting and desperate mess, like he felt like as well. He found it strange that his his touch could do to Takanori, what the other's touch did to him, he did not consider his touch nearly as skilled as the other's.

Takanori hands held onto his hips, clenching ever slightly as Akira slid his hands low on his stomach to the lowly hanging sweat pants the other was wearing. Because he wasn't nearly as sure about his touches, he just slid his hands into the other's sweats. He was met with the hard member of Takanori, which he took a hold of working it up and down - he'd always been more straight forward with his touches, since he wasn't as sure what to do as Takanori was, but the other usually had no complaints about this; it seemed to fit Takanori's passionate and impatient personality perfectly. He felt Takanori's hot, rapid breaths on his collarbone as the other leaned his head against his shoulder for support.

"Bed, please."

The voice was husk and the words were more like let out breaths, and dispite the polite plea in the end, it was a clear command. Akira got his hand out of Takanori's sweats and pulled them off. Takanori kicked them of his feet before he pulled Akira with him towards the bedroom. They discarded of Akira's shirt before making it to the bed, where Akira was pushed down on to lie on his back. He felt vulnerable for a moment, a lot naked, as Takanori's eyes travelled his body, like they had many times before. Maybe it was imagination, but he felt like they still looked at him differently, like trying to see, where Yune had touched him, wondering just what they had done. But all those thoughts went away as Takanori crawled on top of him, leaving him wanting more of the warm body above him.

Their eyes locked for a moment, a habit they had kept since the first time they did began doing this. They didn't have to look long for the confirmation in the other's eyes, they both wanted this, wanted it bad, needed it desperately at the moment - it was about so much more than just physical satisfaction, it was about rebuilding something they were close to have destroyed, to keep their bond, to have reassurance that they still belonged together. And so they kept going.

Takanori was ever impatient, even more so now than ever before, and he let his hand travel between Akira's legs to the other's cock his hand a bit more of a rough grip than usually. Akira spread his legs willingly, Takanori's other hand on his thigh only guiding him lightly to do so. It came naturally, they had done this so many times before and built up the trust, which had come slowly to Akira. Takanori shifted to settle between his legs, and Akira could see the anticipation on the other's face as he looked at younger's handsome face - it was there every time, no matter how many times they'd done this.

Akira didn't really need preparation and he could feel Takanori lifting his one leg up, creating an angle so he could press his erection against the entrance of Akira. From there the hand travelled to Akira's back to get a good hold there, leaving Akira's leg wrapped around his waist. He let out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding in as a breathy moan, when he felt Takanori's hand start to rub him at a steady pace, knowing exactly which parts were the most sensitive, how he liked it.

At the same time Takanori trusted into him slowly first, but building a faster pace soon enough. It felt slightly uncomfortable for Akira, like it always did at first, but he had a hard time focussing on that, when Takanori was working him with his skilled hand, and the other's full lips were kissing his neck, occasionally having teeth bite down gently - and Akira understood the need Takanori must have felt to mark him at the given moment, and while he usually complained that he found it unnecessarily embarrassing to deal with later, he thought the other had the right to do so then.

It didn't take long for Takanori to lose focus so badly that he no longer could keep up with the kissing and biting. He trusted into Akira more desperately, faster, losing himself completely. Akira was responsive, arched his back and moaned louder and more freely - he was getting close, could feel the pressure building up. Takanori's hand moved along his shaft erratically by then, with no rhythm, but at a fast pace, and Akira came across his shirt and Takanori's chest.

Takanori finished not long after Akira, inside the other ending his fast, erratic trusts with a deep one. He tried to keep himself up right, but failed the task. He fell down on Akira's chest panting and apologizing half heartedly and unnecessarily; Akira wasn't upset at all. He was drained, more than just physically, but he felt happy, felt content. The small kiss Takanori placed on his neck - which without doubt would have a series of love bites on it in the morning - made the moment perfect, and he felt secure about the future again. He could close his eyes and fall asleep, Takanori's comfortingly heavy and warm body on top of his.

"Are you still mine now?"

Takanori's voice sounded spent, which wasn't surprising after the moaning and before that screaming he'd done. Akira could tell the other was about as much drained as he was, and was fairly sure of the answer to the calmly mumbled question, but never the less needed the final confirmation from him.

"If you'll have me, I'm all yours", he answered honestly, eyes closed. He could tell Takanori was looking at him, and soon felt a kiss placed on his slightly sore lips, a soft press, but a strangely possessive kiss all the same. It was strange how Takanori could make gentle touches seem so intense and firm.

"I'm yours too." Those were the last words Takanori spoke before he fell asleep. Akira was asleep not long after the other, leaving the problems his small stunt with Yune would cause for the band to the following day. For that moment it was all good, he still had Takanori with him.

It seemed like it all worked out in the end. Not the way he planned them to, not the way he originally had hoped it would, but in the way it was supposed to. And he was glad Takanori hadn't let him walk away.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment !


End file.
